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Why all the Drama? 

I was listening to a friend who has recently gone through a divorce expound on how her ex once again failed to step up and take responsibility. It reminded me of the Transactional Analysis Drama Triangle, which is tied to dysfunctional family relationships (a few posts back). We all choose a script in life on how we will behave if it gets us what we want. In this father’s case he only knew the victim role, she was the one rescuing him. As a parent, you cannot stay the victim all the time because who will play the rescuer for your child.
Read on to identify and understand your role in your own drama triangle. 

The Drama Triangle
by Steve Karpman with Comments by Patty E. Fleener M.S.W.
Purpose: To promote the life script.
The roles of Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim are portrayed in psychological games.
Serves as a training ground for powerlessness.

Prevents psychological equality in relationships.
Will go on as long as someone is willing to be victimized.

Think if you will about a triangle. On each end are roles that we play in life. One is the persecutor, another is the victim and the last is the rescuer.

**If anyone in this triangle changes roles, the other two roles change as well.
1) PERSECUTOR – “It’s All Your Fault”

– Sets strict limits unnecessarily.
– Blames

– Criticizes

– Keeps Victim oppressed

– Is mobilized by anger

– Rigid, authoritative stance

– “Critical” Parent

TO GET OFF THIS TRIANGLE, MOVE TO CLEAR STRUCTURE

2) VICTIM – “Poor Me”

– Feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed
– Looks for a Rescuer that will perpetuate their negative feelings.

– If stays in Victim position, will block self from making decisions, solving problems, pleasure and self-understanding.

– “Dejected” stance.

TO GET OFF THIS TRIANGLE, MOVE TO PROBLEM SOLVING

3) RESCUER – “Let Me Help You”

– Rescues when really doesn’t want to.
– Feels guilty if doesn’t rescue.

– Keeps victim dependent.

– Gives permission to fail.

– Expects to fail in rescue attempts.

– “Marshmallow” Parent

TO GET OFF THIS TRIANGLE, MOVE TO CLEAR NURTURING

SOURCE: SCRIPTS PEOPLE LIVE BY by Claude Steiner

BORN TO WIN by Muriel James

TAJ, Script Drama Analysis

  Shenaaz Moos   Oct 18, 2016   Family   0 Comment Read More

HELP ! Am I Addicted to LIKES?

 

How many of us check our Facebook updates all the time or Instagram to see who likes our photos or the moment somebody makes a comment, we are dying to see what they say so we can respond back?

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I became aware of this problem when my daughter deleted a photo of her herself on Instagram because it didn’t get enough likes within the first hour of posting it. After that I started monitoring my own behaviour on social media, I realised that I had the same tendency to always complain about the number of likes or the lack of comments when I posted things either on my personal page or on my professional page. Did I model it to her? This was troubling! (more…)

  Shenaaz Moos   Oct 13, 2016   Whole Hearted Living   0 Comment Read More

Is your Inner Child causing chaos in parenting your child?

It’s been 2 weeks since my last post and the perfectionist in me caused me to question, delay and abandon my attempts at writing a post. When I saw this post by Sandra Fazio, I knew it was meant to be.

A recurring theme in my adult clients struggling to emotionally connect with their children is the struggle between the inner child and adult self. We all have within us the child we once were, with all the joys and sorrows we endured. Most of us fondly recall the happy memories but block the painful ones thinking we are no longer affected or influenced by it. We are dead wrong as the more you block it, the more power you give it and unconsciously influences your life. So, when you come across a behaviour in your child that is causing these blocked memories to resurface instead of getting angry at the child, pause and look within yourself as to what the significance is to you and your childhood. (more…)

  Shenaaz Moos   Oct 03, 2016   Conscious Parenting   1 Comment Read More

Heart to Heart Connection

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So many parents feel guilty because they are unable to connect with their children on a heart to heart level, which is deeply spiritual, emotional and psychological. What they need to realize is that it’s not naturally occurring and that they themselves needed to have experienced it in their own childhood.

You can’t fake it, so don’t try to fool yourself, as your children can see through the pretense. Being authentic, genuine and true to yourself takes intense courage. So what now, you must be thinking if you didn’t have this wonderful childhood experience.

(more…)

  Shenaaz Moos   Sep 17, 2016   Conscious Parenting   0 Comment Read More

Micromanaging = Disconnection

 

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From The Awakened Family by Dr Shefali
Myth # 7 : Parents Need to Be in Control Pg 109

“The only control we have, as parents, involves our own feelings and reactions, together with the conditions we set in our home. Our problem is that we don’t know how to control ourselves or the conditions we create in our home, which steers us in the direction of controlling our children instead. (more…)

  Shenaaz Moos   Sep 03, 2016   Conscious Parenting   0 Comment Read More

Adult vs Child Frame of Reference

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I think that Dr Shefali’s wisdom in her new book The Awakened Family is so profound that I want I share every word with anyone who will listen, so this is the first meme I made and certainly not the last.

What struck me about this quote is that it reminds me of the ‘adult vs child frame of reference’ I often use when explaining why our children don’t calmly go along with our plans.

We as adults have our own frame of reference when we do or say things we perceive to be in the child’s best interest. However if we pause and remain present in the moment with our child, though this connection we will see it for the micromanaging and manipulation that it is, which is how our children receive this input.

  Shenaaz Moos   Aug 15, 2016   Conscious Parenting   0 Comment Read More

It’s My Body Mommy!

It’s My Body Mommy 

By Shenaaz Moos – Happy Confident Me Counselling & Workshops

 

'So you want me to put on a sweater because you feel cold? Are you thirsty too? Perhaps I should drink something.'

‘So you want me to put on a sweater because you feel cold? Are you thirsty too? Perhaps I should drink something.’

It’s my body mommy!

I’ve been wanting post this for the last few months about my 9 year old son’s issue with clothing, food, and just generally wanting to do his own thing. It’s difficult for a perfectionist or should I say recovering perfectionist mom to let go and let her children make their own choices especially when it comes to the health, hygiene and general well being. I’m learning slowly one day at a time to let the apron strings go, to loosen the umbilical cord and simply just let them be in their own space and to find their own way. (more…)

  Shenaaz Moos   Aug 10, 2016   Conscious Parenting   12 Comments Read More