Last week Wednesday 7 August 2019, I had the absolute pleasure of being a guest on the Expresso Morning show on SABC3. We discussed Sibling Rivalry. There were many issues raised, questions asked and answered. Some examples include:
Is it an unrealistic fantasy desire have siblings to always get along?
How can a parents’ behaviour contribute to, and perpetuate sibling fights?
How can parents decrease fights between siblings, and increase harmony in the household?
Can parents unknowingly be the cause of sibling fighting sometimes?
How can ongoing sibling fighting negatively impact family relationships?
Take a look to see what the answers were. Leave a comment if you enjoyed it or any questions if you have any.
How do know when you are happy? Is happiness a destination? Can you be happy alone?The answers are easy, complex and confusing all at once. Happiness is unique and specific to each person and cannot be compared and defined. You do not arrive at happiness but choose it daily in a moment to moment basis. Happiness is also not dependant on any other people but is available to everyone whether you are in a relationship or not. Working on yourself, your inner demons, identifying your unmet needs of your inner child is how you attain the true authentic happiness.
Why do we suffer? We refuse to accept and we refuse to submit. After attending a two day workshop called ‘Discover Yourself’ by Dr Sadath Khan this weekend, I understood why people (myself included) find certain people and situations challenging. You must aways come from a point of ‘how can I change, grow’ in order to improve the relationships around you. Sometimes you are kind, compassionate and caring to everyone except yourself or to someone who triggers you. Once you figure out that you are the trigger and not the person, you will be free.
What do I mean? The judgments, opinions and expectations of others is what triggers you, not any one thing or person on the outside. When you come from a place of nothing, you receive everything.The journey to the true self requires acceptance. Acceptance in human psychology is a person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognising a process or condition without attempting to change it or protest it. Here are some ways to achieve this.
I spent the last two years cocooned in a course with the very wise and conscious Dr Shefali Tsabary. During this time, so many light bulbs went on, so many wake up calls and nights of tears wrestling with my ‘false’ identity. On my journey to shedding these false layers, I penned a series of poems documenting the awakenings I experienced. These I realised were facets of my Ego. First it was Expectations, then Judgement, then the Need To Be Right, followed by the Need To Control and lastly Ego. This blog will expand on them.
EXPECTATIONS
Expectations of your spouse, children and loved ones are counterproductive
Expectations make you enter a situation with an idea of how it should go
Expectations not met, make you throw a tantrum about how unfair life is
Expectations block the purity of the present moment as its unfolding
Expectations, the need to be right and judgment are from the same book
Begin to enter each moment with a clear mind and no expectations
This will allow you to truly connect with the As-Is of life
This is where the magic happens and acceptance of the other begins
This is where your child already is and is just waiting for you to get there
Heart to heart connection occurs on an authentic level
Here is where they will feel truly loved and you will be fulfilled
I finally had a chance on Saturday 15 December 2018 to do the talk on Authenticity that I had been wanting to do for the longest while. The strangest thing was that when I first started promoting it, there was a luke warm response. When I said I was thinking about doing another workshop on “How not to give a F**k” everyone went crazy. What people didn’t realise was that this is exactly what Authenticity was. Choosing to live your life the way you want and in a way that serves your desires, while being true to who you are.
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are.”
—Brené Brown
It is a buzz word at the moment and everyone wants to be authentic, they say that they are but have not done the cleaning up of their inner landscape to get there. Their mind and thoughts are still plagued with what other people think of them, they are still trapped in the never ending cycle of people pleasing. They feel empty, unhappy, exhausted and miserable; this is not what authentic living feels like.
On my journey to Authenticity these are the senses I discovered are vital:
A Sense Of Self
A Sense Of Worth & Value
A Sense Of Purpose
A Sense Of Boundaries
A Sense Of Humour
1. A Sense Of Self is knowing, liking, accepting and loving yourself.
This Sense is where it all begins, taking the journey inward to get to you know yourself again. You may be living a life that’s a lie, wearing your hair in a way that your husband likes, wearing clothes that your mother said flatter you and so much more. Deep down you hate both but can’t remember what you actually like. Why? From the earliest age of compression in your childhood, you wanted to please those around you for love and acceptance. So you chose things that made their face light up even if it was not what you liked or wanted. You have been doing it for so long that you forgot your own likes and dislikes. When you reconnect with your inner child, you will remember the colours, food and places that filled your heart and soul with joy. Go here, stay here, live here! A Sense Of Worth & Value is valuing yourself, your time, your energy, your love and knowing what you are deserving of.
2. A Sense Of Worth & Value is valuing yourself, your time, your energy, your love and knowing what you are deserving of.
The second Sense can only exist once your sense of self is in place. Why? In order to value yourself, you have to like yourself. To you know your worth as a person means you see yourself as someone who matters, who has something unique to offer the world. Your money, appearance and education do not determine your worth, only you do! You only think it does because of the superficial world we live in and the conditioning of society reinforces this everyday by putting physical beauty on a pedestal. Social media also plays a role by people sharing all that they achieve (some exaggerated) making you feel inadequate when you compare yourself. STOP! You are enough as you are! Anything you want to change or add must be for the right reasons, that it’s for your own growth, your own spiritual alignment. Never in comparison and never in competition, only for completion!
3. A Sense Of Purpose is living a life that has meaning and, living your passion while making a difference.
You can have all the money in the world, or have the highest paid job and still feel EMPTY. Why? You are living a life that may have no meaning, no purpose but to make money for money’s sake. This will lead you to buy more things you don’t need and desire more things in a never ending effort to fill the empty void inside yourself. Step off this ‘hamster wheel’ and choose a different path. Reconnecting with your true self aligns you with your purpose. Have the courage to follow where it leads and you will be blessed with absolute joy and abundance. Not of the financial kind, but the spiritual one! What bliss!
4. A Sense Of Boundaries is knowing what you will tolerate from others in terms of respect and keeping negative destructive people at a distance.
If you could draw a magical circle around yourself and include all your favourite things and people, would you? This is a boundary and it is absolutely necessary and usually absent in many people’s lives. Outside the circle are the people and things that drain your energy, exploit you and abuse your emotional support. I know it’s not this simplistic, but I want you all to understand the purpose of a boundary. Others won’t automatically respect your rights, give you credit or keep their negativity away. You have to demand it, for your sanity! Authentic people do this without guilt or remorse as we know what we lose when we allow our boundaries to drop. Start drawing your circle today!
5. A Sense Of Humour is what makes life fun, reminding you not to take yourself, others and life too seriously and most importantly to laugh often.
Too many people take themselves so seriously that they get stuck when they make a mistake, forget something, don’t win at something or are not the best. When was the last time you truly laughed with abandon? When was the last time you laughed at yourself? If you answered : never, too long ago or I can’t remember; then you have been missing out on the joy that life has to offer. Having this Sense helps you in ways you cannot imagine and so many people think a sense of humour is childish or for children. This is so far from the truth, children are in their authentic state and that is why it’s so natural and easy for them. We should watch them and learn how to have fun and live in the moment! Fear, stress and anxiety are often managed better or beaten with a good sense of humour. Go and find yours!
5 Senses of Authenticity
I hope when they left the workshop they gained more knowledge on how to stop people pleasing and not give a f**k! Here are some problems with people pleasing: 1) It’s impossible to please everyone. 2) You lose your sense of self . 3) Your worth is tied to pleasing others & fear rejection if you stop. 4) You say “Yes” when you really mean “No” & feel pressured by others. 5) Your needs come last, because you put everyone’s needs first. 6) You become resentful when your needs aren’t met, you deserve attention, love and respect too.
Problems with people pleasing
There are many ways to become authentic, I have shared my journey there with you. It does not mean it’s the path you will take to get there and no one can say when you will arrive. To be honest, there is no arriving, it has no time line but is a continuous journey. I cannot begin to describe the gifts you will receive along the way there, all I can say is that life will never be boring or monotonous. Living authentically frees up your day to have energy to do what you love with those you love. Your days are filled with joy and gratitude and you radiate light, love and positivity. This makes life bright, colourful and fun!
A few weeks ago I attended a seminar by Ebrahim Mongratie and it was wonderful to be on the receiving end of wisdom. I was even more excited to have met a Conscious, Awakened man who lived with Authenticity. He has also written two books, Thoughts of Perfection (which I already owned) and An Enlightened Path to Self-Discovery which I bought a copy of that day. He reminded me of the importance of Affirmations and how it can radiate a positive energy for your day. So I decided to add that to my future posts.
The definition of an affirmation : a statement or proposition that is declared to be true, confirmation or ratification of the truth or validity of a prior judgment. This tell me that I do not need to wait for others to affirm me or identify my strengths, positive traits or potential, I need to do this for myself. This can be a very powerful way to transform your life through positive thinking.I have been doing it for a few years but decided to write about it more on social media.
According to Wikipedia wisdom is “the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgement”. You often hear the words “listen to his words of wisdom”, but you never thought that you, yourself possessed words of wisdom. We are all conditioned to believe that we must seek knowledge, guidance and how to be happy from others, from outside ourselves. When you are on a spiritual path of self discovery, you will encounter many ways you have achieved wisdom. I have made of a note of five lessons I have learnt.
Last month, I went to the hairdresser the day before Eid as a treat to myself. As I was paying, I said to the receptionist that I will be adding this to my self-care routine and she looked puzzled and asked “What’s that?” So I proceeded to explain that : Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. (Psychcentral) She inspired me to post the self care principles listed below as I realised so many people out there may not what self-care is and why they need it .
FINDING YOUR WAY BACK TO YOUR TRUE SELF, YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF!
by Shenaaz Moos
As a counsellor I see many clients who are lost, adrift in life and simply just living day to day in a monotonous loop. Joy, fun laughter and love seems to have left their daily landscape. They are so unhappy despite all the external successes they have achieved; thewonderful spouse, the new car, the great job, the stunning house, but they still feel empty. WHY? The answer is simple and complex at the same time. Here is some of the steps to guide you to understand and make the changes needed to find your way back.
When I posted my last blog on unconscious people, I immediately regretted using the term unconscious people because it felt like a judgement. There was nothing I could do but accept the as-is and move forward and remember the lesson learnt.
There are many ways to elevate one’s consciousness and I chosen five that have special significance to me. Why? Its important to note that the principles are part of your ongoing growth and development. This means gentleness and compassion is required. You cannot be at the end of a journey that has no end just endless adventure.
