Why do we suffer? We refuse to accept and we refuse to submit. After attending a two day workshop called ‘Discover Yourself’ by Dr Sadath Khan this weekend, I understood why people (myself included) find certain people and situations challenging. You must aways come from a point of ‘how can I change, grow’ in order to improve the relationships around you. Sometimes you are kind, compassionate and caring to everyone except yourself or to someone who triggers you. Once you figure out that you are the trigger and not the person, you will be free.
What do I mean? The judgments, opinions and expectations of others is what triggers you, not any one thing or person on the outside. When you come from a place of nothing, you receive everything.The journey to the true self requires acceptance. Acceptance in human psychology is a person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognising a process or condition without attempting to change it or protest it. Here are some ways to achieve this.
I spent the last two years cocooned in a course with the very wise and conscious Dr Shefali Tsabary. During this time, so many light bulbs went on, so many wake up calls and nights of tears wrestling with my ‘false’ identity. On my journey to shedding these false layers, I penned a series of poems documenting the awakenings I experienced. These I realised were facets of my Ego. First it was Expectations, then Judgement, then the Need To Be Right, followed by the Need To Control and lastly Ego. This blog will expand on them.
EXPECTATIONS
Expectations of your spouse, children and loved ones are counterproductive
Expectations make you enter a situation with an idea of how it should go
Expectations not met, make you throw a tantrum about how unfair life is
Expectations block the purity of the present moment as its unfolding
Expectations, the need to be right and judgment are from the same book
Begin to enter each moment with a clear mind and no expectations
This will allow you to truly connect with the As-Is of life
This is where the magic happens and acceptance of the other begins
This is where your child already is and is just waiting for you to get there
Heart to heart connection occurs on an authentic level
Here is where they will feel truly loved and you will be fulfilled
I finally had a chance on Saturday 15 December 2018 to do the talk on Authenticity that I had been wanting to do for the longest while. The strangest thing was that when I first started promoting it, there was a luke warm response. When I said I was thinking about doing another workshop on “How not to give a F**k” everyone went crazy. What people didn’t realise was that this is exactly what Authenticity was. Choosing to live your life the way you want and in a way that serves your desires, while being true to who you are.
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are.”
—Brené Brown
It is a buzz word at the moment and everyone wants to be authentic, they say that they are but have not done the cleaning up of their inner landscape to get there. Their mind and thoughts are still plagued with what other people think of them, they are still trapped in the never ending cycle of people pleasing. They feel empty, unhappy, exhausted and miserable; this is not what authentic living feels like.
On my journey to Authenticity these are the senses I discovered are vital:
A Sense Of Self
A Sense Of Worth & Value
A Sense Of Purpose
A Sense Of Boundaries
A Sense Of Humour
1. A Sense Of Self is knowing, liking, accepting and loving yourself.
This Sense is where it all begins, taking the journey inward to get to you know yourself again. You may be living a life that’s a lie, wearing your hair in a way that your husband likes, wearing clothes that your mother said flatter you and so much more. Deep down you hate both but can’t remember what you actually like. Why? From the earliest age of compression in your childhood, you wanted to please those around you for love and acceptance. So you chose things that made their face light up even if it was not what you liked or wanted. You have been doing it for so long that you forgot your own likes and dislikes. When you reconnect with your inner child, you will remember the colours, food and places that filled your heart and soul with joy. Go here, stay here, live here! A Sense Of Worth & Value is valuing yourself, your time, your energy, your love and knowing what you are deserving of.
2. A Sense Of Worth & Value is valuing yourself, your time, your energy, your love and knowing what you are deserving of.
The second Sense can only exist once your sense of self is in place. Why? In order to value yourself, you have to like yourself. To you know your worth as a person means you see yourself as someone who matters, who has something unique to offer the world. Your money, appearance and education do not determine your worth, only you do! You only think it does because of the superficial world we live in and the conditioning of society reinforces this everyday by putting physical beauty on a pedestal. Social media also plays a role by people sharing all that they achieve (some exaggerated) making you feel inadequate when you compare yourself. STOP! You are enough as you are! Anything you want to change or add must be for the right reasons, that it’s for your own growth, your own spiritual alignment. Never in comparison and never in competition, only for completion!
3. A Sense Of Purpose is living a life that has meaning and, living your passion while making a difference.
You can have all the money in the world, or have the highest paid job and still feel EMPTY. Why? You are living a life that may have no meaning, no purpose but to make money for money’s sake. This will lead you to buy more things you don’t need and desire more things in a never ending effort to fill the empty void inside yourself. Step off this ‘hamster wheel’ and choose a different path. Reconnecting with your true self aligns you with your purpose. Have the courage to follow where it leads and you will be blessed with absolute joy and abundance. Not of the financial kind, but the spiritual one! What bliss!
4. A Sense Of Boundaries is knowing what you will tolerate from others in terms of respect and keeping negative destructive people at a distance.
If you could draw a magical circle around yourself and include all your favourite things and people, would you? This is a boundary and it is absolutely necessary and usually absent in many people’s lives. Outside the circle are the people and things that drain your energy, exploit you and abuse your emotional support. I know it’s not this simplistic, but I want you all to understand the purpose of a boundary. Others won’t automatically respect your rights, give you credit or keep their negativity away. You have to demand it, for your sanity! Authentic people do this without guilt or remorse as we know what we lose when we allow our boundaries to drop. Start drawing your circle today!
5. A Sense Of Humour is what makes life fun, reminding you not to take yourself, others and life too seriously and most importantly to laugh often.
Too many people take themselves so seriously that they get stuck when they make a mistake, forget something, don’t win at something or are not the best. When was the last time you truly laughed with abandon? When was the last time you laughed at yourself? If you answered : never, too long ago or I can’t remember; then you have been missing out on the joy that life has to offer. Having this Sense helps you in ways you cannot imagine and so many people think a sense of humour is childish or for children. This is so far from the truth, children are in their authentic state and that is why it’s so natural and easy for them. We should watch them and learn how to have fun and live in the moment! Fear, stress and anxiety are often managed better or beaten with a good sense of humour. Go and find yours!
5 Senses of Authenticity
I hope when they left the workshop they gained more knowledge on how to stop people pleasing and not give a f**k! Here are some problems with people pleasing: 1) It’s impossible to please everyone. 2) You lose your sense of self . 3) Your worth is tied to pleasing others & fear rejection if you stop. 4) You say “Yes” when you really mean “No” & feel pressured by others. 5) Your needs come last, because you put everyone’s needs first. 6) You become resentful when your needs aren’t met, you deserve attention, love and respect too.
Problems with people pleasing
There are many ways to become authentic, I have shared my journey there with you. It does not mean it’s the path you will take to get there and no one can say when you will arrive. To be honest, there is no arriving, it has no time line but is a continuous journey. I cannot begin to describe the gifts you will receive along the way there, all I can say is that life will never be boring or monotonous. Living authentically frees up your day to have energy to do what you love with those you love. Your days are filled with joy and gratitude and you radiate light, love and positivity. This makes life bright, colourful and fun!
A few weeks ago I attended a seminar by Ebrahim Mongratie and it was wonderful to be on the receiving end of wisdom. I was even more excited to have met a Conscious, Awakened man who lived with Authenticity. He has also written two books, Thoughts of Perfection (which I already owned) and An Enlightened Path to Self-Discovery which I bought a copy of that day. He reminded me of the importance of Affirmations and how it can radiate a positive energy for your day. So I decided to add that to my future posts.
The definition of an affirmation : a statement or proposition that is declared to be true, confirmation or ratification of the truth or validity of a prior judgment. This tell me that I do not need to wait for others to affirm me or identify my strengths, positive traits or potential, I need to do this for myself. This can be a very powerful way to transform your life through positive thinking.I have been doing it for a few years but decided to write about it more on social media.
According to Wikipedia wisdom is “the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgement”. You often hear the words “listen to his words of wisdom”, but you never thought that you, yourself possessed words of wisdom. We are all conditioned to believe that we must seek knowledge, guidance and how to be happy from others, from outside ourselves. When you are on a spiritual path of self discovery, you will encounter many ways you have achieved wisdom. I have made of a note of five lessons I have learnt.
Last month, I went to the hairdresser the day before Eid as a treat to myself. As I was paying, I said to the receptionist that I will be adding this to my self-care routine and she looked puzzled and asked “What’s that?” So I proceeded to explain that : Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. (Psychcentral) She inspired me to post the self care principles listed below as I realised so many people out there may not what self-care is and why they need it .
FINDING YOUR WAY BACK TO YOUR TRUE SELF, YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF!
by Shenaaz Moos
As a counsellor I see many clients who are lost, adrift in life and simply just living day to day in a monotonous loop. Joy, fun laughter and love seems to have left their daily landscape. They are so unhappy despite all the external successes they have achieved; thewonderful spouse, the new car, the great job, the stunning house, but they still feel empty. WHY? The answer is simple and complex at the same time. Here is some of the steps to guide you to understand and make the changes needed to find your way back.
When I posted my last blog on unconscious people, I immediately regretted using the term unconscious people because it felt like a judgement. There was nothing I could do but accept the as-is and move forward and remember the lesson learnt.
There are many ways to elevate one’s consciousness and I chosen five that have special significance to me. Why? Its important to note that the principles are part of your ongoing growth and development. This means gentleness and compassion is required. You cannot be at the end of a journey that has no end just endless adventure.
As I have been focusing on raising my Consciousness and journeying through my life, I have noticed that not all people live by the same moral, ethical code and value system. This impacts how they live and the principles that govern their behaviour. However, there are a few that unconscious people have in common. Unconscious people are easy to identify as they are the energy drainers in your life.
1. Unconscious people can’t understand why not keeping a promise is lying!
It’s better for your sanity to accept this and move on. You cannot change their level of consciousness but you can choose not to sink to their level. Trying to make them see this is a pointless endeavour that will drain your energy and dim your light.
2. Unconscious People will never apologise even when they are in the wrong.
If you are waiting for someone who who hurt you to realise this and make amends, the wait will be an eternity. They can only see things from their perspective and from their point of view, they did nothing wrong. So for your own emotional and mental health, just let it go.
This does not make it right and it’s not easy to do but a key component in your rising as a conscious person.
3. Unconscious people fixate on your flaws and mistakes and are unable to see their own.
This means that they are always harping on about your behaviours and actions. As a result, this distracts them from looking at and focusing on their own. It can a be very effective way of avoiding looking inward at where they need to grow as a person. It’s up to you to realise this and not waste valuable energy on trying to get them to see their flaws and mistakes. This is your lesson and growth to take away from this experience!
4. Unconscious people choose to play the victim and martyr no matter what the situation, making you the bad guy and villain.
In any given situation, there are three roles : Victim/Martyr, Perpetrator & Rescuer (Drama Triangle). When it comes to the unconscious person, they perceive themself as the victim even when they are the one inflicting the pain (Perpetrator). Sometimes they even delude themselves to believe that they are the Rescuer and you owe them eternal gratitude. The rest of us shuffle between Perpetrator or Rescuer in their chaotic lives because we are good and kind people. To save yourself, just step out of the triangle and their drama and be none of those roles. Take your power back, preserve your Energy for your own life and it’s challenges!
5. Unconscious people exploit your kindness, generosity and loving heart to their own ends, leaving you hurt, empty and betrayed!
If you have a giving heart, do not assume that those around you have the same. Unconscious people will take and take and make endless promises to give when you are in need but never deliver. Most of the time, it’s their betrayal and lack of integrity that’s more hurtful and not their inability to be there for you when you need them.
The point of this blog post is to understand when people trigger you, where it may be coming from. This does mean that you are innocent and not a contributor to the situation, but taking ownership of your part, this is how you raise your Consciousness. At the end of the day, that is all each one of us can actually do. I am not all zen and 100% conscious all the time. I am however more open to identify when I am in Unconscious mode and this is when I use it as another way to grow myself.
Just remember :
You cannot change another person’s level of Consciousness, only your OWN!
When school started this year while I was waiting for my 10 year old son, I was watching the children as they were walking to their parents or lift home from school. The one thing that I noticed was that their shoulders for slumped and their faces were sad. It inspired me to write this poem :
