Often people assume that because I am a counsellor and help other parents with their relationship issues with their kids or how to resolve problems, that I will never mess up with my own kids. Being human makes me fallible and I want to share my recent learning experience.
I have a book on my Kindle, ‘Liking the Child You Love’ by Jeffrey Bernstein I am dying to read as this topic is an important one to explain to parents when trying to help them bridge the canyon of disconnect between them and their child.
Parents often carelessly say that they love their child but don’t like them. This is extremely hurtful and gut wrenching for a child to hear. Love is not a tangible, measurable entity but like or dislike is often something easily detected. Saying ‘I love you!’ often, but it is evident that you don’t like your child will cause them to feel unloved.
When I was growing up, I was the child who was considered rude, cheeky and outspoken. This label stuck with me throughout my life, making me feel different, but never less than anyone else. I was lucky and the reason for this was my amazing dad who nurtured my self- esteem with his love and parenting and gave me the armour to withstand criticism. Now in my 40’s, I have the insight and wisdom to understand that I was always Authentic, which is why I never fit in and was out of sync with the world. Speaking my mind, being true to myself, having principles and standing up for myself was who I was.
When I read Brene Brown’s book ‘The Gifts of Imperfection,’ I realised that my Authentic self was compromised by my Perfectionist self and in order to completely embrace my authenticity, I had to confront the aspects of myself that I didn’t like but needed to accept. The challenge was to figure out if society is still dictating to me, or to trust and follow my inner compass.
It’s been 2 weeks since my last post and the perfectionist in me caused me to question, delay and abandon my attempts at writing a post. When I saw this post by Sandra Fazio, I knew it was meant to be.
A recurring theme in my adult clients struggling to emotionally connect with their children is the struggle between the inner child and adult self. We all have within us the child we once were, with all the joys and sorrows we endured. Most of us fondly recall the happy memories but block the painful ones thinking we are no longer affected or influenced by it. We are dead wrong as the more you block it, the more power you give it and unconsciously influences your life. So, when you come across a behaviour in your child that is causing these blocked memories to resurface instead of getting angry at the child, pause and look within yourself as to what the significance is to you and your childhood. (more…)
So many parents feel guilty because they are unable to connect with their children on a heart to heart level, which is deeply spiritual, emotional and psychological. What they need to realize is that it’s not naturally occurring and that they themselves needed to have experienced it in their own childhood.
You can’t fake it, so don’t try to fool yourself, as your children can see through the pretense. Being authentic, genuine and true to yourself takes intense courage. So what now, you must be thinking if you didn’t have this wonderful childhood experience.
From The Awakened Family by Dr Shefali
Myth # 7 : Parents Need to Be in Control Pg 109
“The only control we have, as parents, involves our own feelings and reactions, together with the conditions we set in our home. Our problem is that we don’t know how to control ourselves or the conditions we create in our home, which steers us in the direction of controlling our children instead. (more…)
I think that Dr Shefali’s wisdom in her new book The Awakened Family is so profound that I want I share every word with anyone who will listen, so this is the first meme I made and certainly not the last.
What struck me about this quote is that it reminds me of the ‘adult vs child frame of reference’ I often use when explaining why our children don’t calmly go along with our plans.
We as adults have our own frame of reference when we do or say things we perceive to be in the child’s best interest. However if we pause and remain present in the moment with our child, though this connection we will see it for the micromanaging and manipulation that it is, which is how our children receive this input.
It’s My Body Mommy
By Shenaaz Moos – Happy Confident Me Counselling & Workshops
It’s my body mommy!
I’ve been wanting post this for the last few months about my 9 year old son’s issue with clothing, food, and just generally wanting to do his own thing. It’s difficult for a perfectionist or should I say recovering perfectionist mom to let go and let her children make their own choices especially when it comes to the health, hygiene and general well being. I’m learning slowly one day at a time to let the apron strings go, to loosen the umbilical cord and simply just let them be in their own space and to find their own way. (more…)