From The Awakened Family by Dr Shefali
Myth # 7 : Parents Need to Be in Control Pg 109
“The only control we have, as parents, involves our own feelings and reactions, together with the conditions we set in our home. Our problem is that we don’t know how to control ourselves or the conditions we create in our home, which steers us in the direction of controlling our children instead.
Our children come to us with their own unique blueprint. This implies that they come with a particular temperament and way of relating to the world. Some come with boisterous energy, whereas others are calm and quiet. Some come with angst and colic, whereas others glide and float. We don’t get to keep the qualities we like in our children and discard the ones we don’t. Certainly we can help them develop the qualities that are most in alignment with their true self, but not through control and imposition. They are who they are. It’s only when we accept this about our children that we will be able to attune to them and meet their emotional needs. Surrendering to the inherent nature, which includes their talents and their limitations, is the forerunner to endowing the relationship we share with them with respect and meaningful connection.
When we realise that our control is limited to ourselves and environment in our home, we shift the onus for any changes that may be required from our children to ourselves. It’s our responsibility to take full ownership of what has been placed in our charge. Once we accept that we create the conditions our children live within, we can begin to ask ourselves questions such as:
* Am I setting the environment up in a manner that promotes harmony for disharmony?
* What am I doing or not doing that leads my children to behave in a particular way?”
I read this page of Dr Shefali’s new book over and over like a child who found the answers to unlock the secrets of the universe. Each time thinking ‘WOW’ this is where it all begins, the need to control, the need to be in charge, the need to be the all knowing, the need to be the all-powerful. The fears of parents are that if they let this control go:
– Will there be chaos in my house?
– Who will be in charge of making all the decisions?
– Who will make sure my child in grows up right, responsible and so much more?
If you’re trying to control them now and there is only chaos in your house then clearly this is not the working. So maybe now it’s time to consider an alternative approach, like Conscious Parenting. It says
1) Instead of being in control, choose to let go of control.
2) Choose to give power back to the child.
3) Choose to give your child responsibility and accountability instead of orders and commands.
You must be shaking your head right now thinking ‘Oh my word, this hippy Shenaaz is crazy, why does she want to cause more chaos in my house when it’s already a madhouse. I promise you it is nothing of the sort. You won’t believe how your house will change once you stop giving your kids commands. When my 9 year old son first saw the Lego movie a few years ago, he said to me ‘Mom, you’re the micromanager in our home like the man in the movie, always shouting and trying to control us.’ I was shocked to hear that this is how he perceived me and even more upset when I realized he was telling the truth. So, I’ve been looking at life and parenting differently since then and trying not to be a control freak, perfectionist mom and it’s a day by day struggle. So guys if I can do it , you can do it too! So, here is some tips.
1) Shout less and listen more.
2) Start consulting them on important decisions, even small decisions.
3) Make them feel as if they are real people because they are!
4) Make them feel as if they matter.
It doesn’t sit right with you because it’s not how you were raised, I know the feeling. Our children are not us and the mayhem in the world is telling us to do it differently. Remember what Dr Shefali said THEY ARE WHO THEY ARE and OUR CHILDREN COME TO US WITH THEIR OWN UNIQUE BLUEPRINT!